Retroactive Jealousy: Obsessing Over My Partner's Past (2023)

Zachary Stockill's obsessive thoughts about his partner's past sexual experiences led to the failure of his first serious relationship. It took a while to discover that his problem had a name and that thousands of people also suffered from it.

He was in his early 20s and in love for the first time.

One night my girlfriend and I did what many new couples do when they start a relationship: we started talking about our past. The conversation turned to past relationships we both had.

A switch flipped in my brain.

He said absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, no details that were particularly unusual, shocking or even exciting. But something has changed.

Suddenly their romantic history was all she could think about.

I grew up in a small town in Northern Ontario, Canada. My parents had a great marriage and I had a great relationship with them most of the time. I didn't grow up with mental health issues: no depression, no anxiety, no obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

He loved women.

In third grade (age 8) he had two girlfriends! But that was probably one of the few times I've dated more than one person at a time. I liked typical high school relationships.

So I went to college and as a student I met and fell in love with a woman like I had never met before. She was beautiful, extremely smart, artistic, and curious.

But as he talked about his past life, I was overcome with a feeling I had never experienced before.

Most of us have an idea of ​​what "normal" jealousy looks like. You might feel a twinge when you see your significant other attracting someone's attention at a bar, or you might get perked up when a colleague's name comes up a lot in conversation.

Most people don't like the idea of ​​imagining their partner with someone else, like an ex, but what I felt was completely different.

My love story was, let's say, more "colorful" than hers, but the thought that she was intimate with someone other than me began to haunt me.

I didn't know what they called it at the time, but what I had is sometimes called "retroactive jealousy." I would learn a lot more about it in the years to come.

I started playing mental movies in my head of her in situations with her ex and imagining them happening in real time right in front of me. It was like he was cheating on me.

Your past suddenly became my present.

I would take a trivial detail and paint an extremely vivid picture around it. I would add details and turn insignificant events into complete scenarios in my mind.

If we went out to eat, I would wonder if she and her ex-partner were at the same restaurant. We passed a hotel and I suddenly wondered if they had made love there.

Her past relationships were the first thing on her mind morning and night.

Social networks are a great magnifying glass for this problem. You have a list of posts, comments and photos from your partner's past. And I dove into it.

I became an online detective.

I scrolled through old photos before I met them, reading comments, trying to figure out who certain people were, how they fit into their lives, if there was an untold adventure from their past.

Those were the things I did privately, so there was the real toll on our relationship.

I'm ashamed of how I acted back then.

I would ask my girlfriend endlessly. He would try to make her feel guilty about having relationships in the past. I was incredibly hypocritical considering my own past life was similar to hers. And, in stark contrast to me, she rarely seemed to think twice about my past relationships.

It was very difficult for her. Try to imagine her lover constantly struggling with her past and judging you. And then try feeling guilty, obsessing over things that don't matter anymore... stupid things, little things. Events you don't need to be ashamed of or regret.

Still, for the most part, my ex was very calm and loving, trying to put me at ease and making it clear that I held a special place in his heart. And that would help for a while, until the same recurring thoughts and questions came back, often with new intensity.

It became a vicious circle of unwanted thoughts and curiosity, followed by my girlfriend's comfort, followed by some relief. And then back to the starting point.

Our relationship lasted a few years, but it ended. My jealousy was a key factor.

After we broke up, I felt guilty and ashamed for a long time. I would replay certain scenes from our relationship in my head and shudder. Stupid fights, unnecessary fights, that kind of thing. He carried enormous guilt for behaving like an idiot. This person didn't feel like "me". I knew it was me, but it almost felt like I'd been kidnapped by an annoying little demon. This might sound melodramatic, but I really felt like I lost control.

Relying on friends and family, even therapists and counselors, has not been helpful. No one really seemed to understand. The general advice was usually, "Just get over it."

I started Googling phrases like "obsessed with my girlfriend's past" and ended up coming across the phrase "retroactive jealousy" on internet forums. People search Google from left to right, but they don't know the name of this condition. It was not and is not a common term.

People suffering from retroactive jealousy become trapped in a cycle of obsessive thoughts, painful emotions, thoughtless and irrational actions, and resulting self-loathing. From what I've read, many psychologists seem to think this falls on the OCD spectrum.

I found some sympathetic voices on these Internet forums, but the vast majority of the rhetoric sounded toxic: there are plenty of men online who really don't like women. There were several who justified their jealous behavior and used the forums to put women down. And that was confusing. This was the first place where people understood a little bit of what he was going through, but there was a tremendous amount of misogyny and negativity.

Other people on these forums would go to the opposite extreme. To her, anyone who had problems with any aspect of a lover's past relationships was a bad person who acted irrationally. I do not agree with this.

I couldn't find a ready made community and wanted to fix this.

Amanda Major, Relationship Counseling Service

We see cases in the counseling room where a person becomes obsessed with their partner's past sexual relationships. Jealousy is something that most people recognize, but this type of jealousy is very different. A person sometimes has flashbacks to events that he did not see, in which he was never involved. This often leads to an obsessive thought cycle and an insatiable desire to get to the "truth" of what "really happened" between a couple and their previous lovers. They can end up tormenting themselves and their partner, and in some cases, the relationship can become abusive. Regardless of whether you are the person haunted by the past or the person receiving it, I would encourage you to seek professional help and support.

First, I needed some spiritual balance, so I went on meditation retreats and started to learn more about Buddhism. This was a significant step in reducing my ego. So I started doing my own extensive research.

After that, I started blogging and then wrote a book, originally published under a pseudonym because I was still embarrassed. The response was overwhelming, so I created an online course.

Today there is an online community that people can turn to for help and advice on overcoming the condition.

it surprised methe large number of people visiting my website- more than 120,000 people last year from almost every country in the world. And about half of them were women.

I used to think that retroactive jealousy was an ingrained condition of men and the heterosexual male ego, but this is not the case. I am contacted by straight women, lesbians, gay men and people of all ages from their teens to their late 70s.

I also get a lot of emails from people in Saudi Arabia and India, countries where people are generally not as open about sexuality. When I started making videos on YouTube, the response got even bigger.

Partners of people who suffer from retroactive jealousy have sent me heartbreaking emails asking what they can do to help their partner overcome this problem. But I always emphasize that ultimately it is your partner's problem that needs to be solved, not his. I know this very well from personal experience. My girlfriend couldn't cure my retroactive jealousy no matter how hard she tried.

If anyone is reading this and they recognize themselves, the first thing I would say is, "Don't assume you have to live with what you have forever. This isn't it."

It is entirely possible to overcome retroactive jealousy. I'm living proof of that, as is a small army of ex-boyfriends around the world.

As for my ex, it's a long story. We've had some difficult conversations, but overall we're good now. I consider her a friend and I think she feels the same way about me. Looking back, I can't imagine my life without this relationship, without having him in my life. She inspired me to grow in ways I never thought possible.

As Megha Mohan was told

A selection of your comments:

I also have the same problem. What's worse is that I even get jealous when he mentions a past crush. I wanted to know more so I asked him and researched online through his social media. Unfortunately, this only made things worse. I also secretly deleted the posts on his Facebook that he sent to the person he previously liked.Stefani, Jakarta, Indonesia

This whole story just gave me the creeps. Not because I empathize with the person, but because I have become their victim. I just didn't know it had a name. I had the signs long before I married her. He found a bank statement showing that he had paid for a hotel with a previous partner. It was supposed to be a nice, relaxing, kid-free weekend getaway. What happened to that was a constant stick, metaphorically hitting me with it. Constant questions about who she is, why I didn't take her to such beautiful places and what we were doing there. Each ex was killed over and over again until it was clear that she was the best he ever had. There was no right answer. Each question seemed carefully designed to cause maximum discomfort when answered. When I chose not to respond, she would respond (accept) on her own and proceeded to verbally abuse me based on that. Little did I know that this (post-jealousy) condition was actually something she suffered from.

I'm so glad I left all that behind. Trying to deal with being a victim of domestic violence is bad enough... trying to deal with it as a man is still stigmatized.Pedro, Manchester

I still can't believe I'm reading this, it's such a relief to know I'm not alone. Like the author, my past is very colorful, but I've always been obsessed with my partner's past. It made me keep the women I dated at a distance as it made the feelings unbearable if I let them get too close.

I'm now married to a wonderful woman, but I don't think I'm brave enough to seek advice on this. What if opening that box does more harm than good, or if our marriage falls apart? No, I think I'll keep it safe in bottles where it can only hurt me. He's my black dog and he doesn't visit me as much as he used to.Then

After telling my wife my past selections before our wedding, it haunted the wedding.

She was unsure the whole time and kept asking me about my whereabouts. During the discussions I kept mentioning my only previous special relationship. I told her with the intention of being close so she could get to know the real me. Their marriage ended earlier this year after nearly 23 years and three children (now aged 17-21).Ali, Manchester

Retroactive jealousy is exactly how my previous relationship ended. I became obsessed with knowing there were no rivals for my affections, even from previous relationships. This led me to look for evidence, check their messages, etc. As the author, I am ashamed of this, but unlike the author, I found that she had sent explicit photos to an ex-boyfriend. This only made the jealousy worse, which only led to the quicker end of the relationship.

Now I'm torn between wishing I never found out because of the possibility of unknown happiness and happy I found out since what she did was wrong. I have been single for over two years now and I know that every relationship I attempt will go through the lens of the last one.e Birmingham

Katie Horwich illustrations